KIM, thanks for your comments – you got me thinking about school again and about a conversation Rog and I had a few days before. I am not DEF. going to school in the fall. I’d LIKE to but things would have to be a lot different in a short time. Chris needs LOTS of work, and so do the other kids. Our house is getting a lot better on organization but it takes a lot of time and there’s two more rooms to remodel so that will bring more chaos. I’m simply going to gather information so I’m ready when the time comes. Do our financial aid papers, apply, etc. My gut feeling is that I won’t go until at least winter. It may be not until 2007 when Ryan starts kindergarten. Just don’t know!
Time: Saturday, 6/26/2004 6:54:45 AM (#56076)
Comments: oht i just hv to somehow accept that maybe i’m not going to get to go at all, that could happen! That is what I hate to face. I think that’s why I just want to START and go while we can get the financial aid, because as soon as Rog switches jobs I’m sure we won’t get it (well, not POSITIVE, but suspicious). I’m not even sure we get it NOW! That’s why I want to do the financial aid papers, so I can rule it out if we make too much even now.
Um, it’s weird, I was talking to Rog about it last night after Kim’s post. I don’t know what it is why I want to go so badly! I don’t know if I’m running? I don’t think so but I could be. Flight or fight? I don’t know. I have ALWAYS thought I’d go back, ever since grad. with my assoc. one week before our wedding. sometimes I wish I would have gone into music from the beginning and just followed my dreams. Either that or art. I’d have had no regrets then. But I wanted to be practical and do something that I could always get a job in. Well, apparently now I can’t get a job in legal secy – I have been applying for a job a week for quite a long time now and haven’t gotten any interviews or calls. I am just applying for the jobs that would greatly benefit us with good benefits, good pay, etc., but ones that I’m DEF. qualified for. I don’t really WANT to work but I know that a job like that with insurance would benefit our family. So anyway, I’ve been looking since Jan. and no bites at all.
i just always thought LATER I’ll figure out what I want to do with my life and go back to school – and I guess i must be going through the almost 40 crisis because later seems to be feeling like NOW, now. Though I know inside the world will not come to an end if I wait 3 years and end up paying for school myself – EXCEPT that that gets scaringly (is that a word?) close to the time I’d need to be having money for COLLEEN to go to college. It just seems it would make more sense to start while we can get the financial aid.
If I don’t go at all, well, I’ll have to get over it. I can always study music on my own and start playing at the schools and at church again. I couldn’t be a music therapist but maybe could get in as an aide somewhere when the kids are older and stable and volunteer with the guitar and still help sing with people/children, etc. That would be cool, too.
I feel a little better thinking about that – I was actually kind of depressed last night over the whole thing (tears) and now I feel better, I guess. Part of it may be flight or fight like Kimba said, I probably am just exhausted from the battle we have every day. Chris & Ryan are both very challenging right now between Chris taking 100 showers a day and dumping all our shampoos, etc., and staying up all night and Ryan standing on furniture, drawing on walls, etc., and hitting and pinching. Ryan’s doing GREAT in speech therapy and class, though – he has been saying more words!
Well, have to go to the store this morning and get a birthday present, go to the bank, and then go to a birthday party AND a graduation party. I’d better go for now!
Time: Saturday, 6/26/2004 7:19:10 AM (#56078)
Comments: forgot to tell you – on Wed. Colleen and I went ALL BY OURSELVES to Geauga Lake (used to be 6 Flags). We had a great time! She had a free ticket and we thought just one of us should go to save money. But it was such a neat mother daughter day! Unfortunately my camera was dead when I got there so I didn’t get any pics 🙁 but it was such a great time!
Time: Saturday, 6/26/2004 7:45:23 AM (#56079)
Comments: just reread my entries – I hope I don’t seem to be complaining – I’m not. I love my kids – I can’t imagine life without them! They have helped us to grow, love like we can’t imagine, learn sacrifice and giving, just love so much that we can’t imagine! I just didn’t picture it exactly this way when we started this road 14 years ago, that there would be all of these special needs and that the situation would be so difficult. So please forgive me if I seem to be complaining, I’m not. I am happy with our choices and would make them again. I just might (if given the choice, which I wasn’t) have gone with my music career FIRST when I was a teen if I could do it over again, so I wouldn’t have this “LATER YOU’LL DO THIS” looming over me half my life!
Time: Saturday, 6/26/2004 7:48:32 AM (#56080)
Comments: “I just might (if given the choice, which I wasn’t) have gone with my music career FIRST” — that’s incorrect – I DID Have a choice, I just followed all the advice at that time to go ahead with a legal secretary degree because it was practical. OF COURSE I had a choice = i was just afraid of making my own decision, as usual.